Coffee, friends and good talk.

19 10 2008

It has been a long time since I went out for a drink and blog about it. Today I went out for a coffee and a nice chat with Miss S and Wanie. Lama tak jumpa Wanie, she even gave me a nice kiss! Hiks.. tapi tak cakap pun dengan papa sebab papa tidur dah malam tadi! Papa penat lah balik open house kan! Kesian papa!

So this month is my birthday… yup, I’m a Scorpio! Even though I’m still in my 20’s I’m having a hard time getting older. There are so many things that I want to accomplish before I hit 30 and as the years go by they seem to go by faster and faster… what the hell, slow down so I can catch up already!.

The only thing that really gives me comfort about aging is that men don’t age gracefully either, with their mid life crisis’s and stuff, lol! This may be the one time where men and women can relate on the same issue.

Right now in my life there are so many things happening that it’s a bit overwhelming. I find myself alone a lot more often thus giving me more time to think and reflect. This blog may end up long, scattered and emotional so if you chose to read further please beware.

Being alone is kind of cool. I found my state of happiness in my new room.  I guess, this is the longest time I have stayed at kampung so far (besides doing my practical training 2 years ago). Itu lain lah sebab itu tugasan. Luckily papa is here. Well, technically he is not ‘here’ as besides me but papa is planning to come here frequently so that’s cool.

As I sit here in my room and reflect on the last months the only thing I can do is shake my head. It seems as life happened all around me as I slipped into whole that I couldn’t climb out of. I’ve made choices that I thought I would never, in a million years, make.  For the last 10 months or so I noticed myself falling into a deep depression that just continued to get deeper and deeper, eventually it consumed me and I broke down. I seemed to have had lost the very essence of who I was and I felt completely and unequivocally hopeless.

I realize how my insecurities have kept me stuck for so long.  I worry about things that have not happened.  I make things up that may have happened or could happen. But now, I’ve met papa and yes as cliche as it may be, papa and I are in the same boat, so what ever happens, let it happen lah kan. Lantak lah. Janji I sayang papa and papa sayang I. I’m not going to be a control-freak about the future anymore. Love for me throughout my life has been extremely rare so when I found someone that meant the world to me and I fell in love, I fell hard and with the swiftness and I know papa wants the same thing that I want. Kan pa?

I’m a social butterfly so I need to be social. The “scene” and people here are very different than I’m used to and I just didn’t feel like I fit in. I also realized that the economy here was worse off than most so my income all but came to a halt. All of this took a toll on me so the overwhelming new stress mixed with the deepening depression was a mixture for catastrophe!

Currently I’m just working on me. I’m taking the steps I need to grow as a person. I have a lot of things medically I need to take care of as well as mentally and emotionally. I’m not always proud to be the way I am, but it is what it is. I’ve always been nothing but honest and I own my issues… if I didn’t have them I wouldn’t be human.

Maybe this blog has far too much personal information to put on the internet, but honestly…do you think I care?. If you felt offended, then get lost. I feel better and since I am the only person that matters right now, fuggit! Shit, there may even be a 2nd installment, but right now it’s 4:30 am and I’m beat… much love!

DVF

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