19 08 2008

Bila sekali-sekala balik kampung, rindu pula pada arwah mok (nenek) dan cekk (atok) I. They were my bestfriend when I’m growing up. In my family, I am the most difficult to dealt with and I am a bit jealous if my other siblings got Mok and Cekk attention. At that moment, I really felt that only I deserve such treatment.

Even though most  part of our house have been renovated, we still kept Mok and Cekk rooms. The old cupboard filled with Mok’s old clothes, Keris-keris, old bed (I dulu teman tidor dengan Mok, every night!!), and the smell is still there though it has been almost been 13 years since I lost Mok.

After Mok is longer here, my soul perished and I felt that there is no need for me to stay in Kelantan anymore. I ask my parents permission to leave and finishes my study in KL. Losing love is one of the most painful things I know of. To see it is to fear it, and to know it is to never want to go through it again. Losing love makes one second guess everything. It causes a person to want to run away, to give up on everything. It hurts in every way. Crying is all a person can do.

However, the condition in KL wasn’t a bed of roses either. I had fun at school. At home, it was the other way. All I can say is, such immense pain can cause a lot of things. I personally second guess everything. For years i chose to keep people away, not let them in and get close to me. Eventually i realized this was futil and caused alot of pain in itself. Even when i did change and let people in I still experienced loss. Its all the same pain but how we deal with it makes the difference. Pain is inevitable. For me its always there but sometimes it keeps me going. The need, the hope, wanting for something better can save you. Time heals all wounds but they always leave scars.

I may not be the best person now, but I am learning on how to be. I think I am better in time. If i hadn’t gone through this that I won’t mention here, most probably I would still be the simple hurting guy. Now that I am not, I guess things went pretty well. I have few good friends, I have plans, I have a good career and I have parents who will always be there for me.

Guess things do go pretty well. Yang lain-lain tu, I leave it to Allah S.W.T

Ted Baker




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