Ku mahu

24 07 2008

Shut the fuck up.

I don’t know where to start. I haven’t start on my Lesson Plan yet. Maybe because I’m waiting for a miracle to happen that  would help me go through these.. mess?. I’m not in a hard time. I don’t allow myself to tear apart from the voices and things I have to go through everyday since the past 4 days. My gosh, it’s only been 4 days and I feel like I’m there forever. There is so many things to learn. If you are looking for an on-job training, we should be trading places. I heard Mapong is doing good, getting good classes I mean. I envy those who does but how would I know if there’s something else. Don’t care.

I don’t hate the environment, I do like it and there is tonnes of good people I met on the job instead of monkeys. I mean, there are monkeys, but I’m learning how to handle monkey. I’m a monkey handler. Those fuckers ought to know sooner that I allow very, very mean words come out of my mouth. Hmm.. Maybe I am worried about my last semester result for that 1 particular paper. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should just let it dealt by faith. It got me this far anyway.

There are so many things in this world that are totally out of our control. So… why is it that even though we know that we have no control, we continue to stress? I shall not stress myself. I am done. Obviously no person has control over another, people do what they are gonna do regardless. We have no control over the weather, it’ll be hot as hell even if we wish for rain. Some bitch are gonna cut me off on the freeway no matter what, so why get so mad?

I think my life is too complicated right now. Too many people to answer to, too many things to worry me, too many lost hours of sleep and too many wasted days of doing things I am not passionate about. Ok I didn’t mean that. I need to reconsider what is really important in life. Family, God, and living each day enjoying life. I can’t do that locked in a cubicle, chained to a desk chair. I need to be outside more. I need to chat with strangers more. I need to go to the mosque more. I need to create more, read more, write more, relax more. I need to eat fresher food and cook more. I need to dance like no one is watching more. I need to feel the sun on my face more. And I need less of just about everything else. But now, at this moment, I can’t just do that. I’m concerned with my posting period too. I had a senior in my school, apparently she’s being posted in the mid of December. Alhamdulillah. I do not wish to go to a unemployed stage for damn too long!

At times, I feel guilty for not being more appreciative for the life I have. I have been incredibly lucky and blessed to lead the life I lead. I am educated, loved, appreciated and well taken care of. But there is a void in my life because I am not taking care of myself spiritually, emotionally, psychologically…and honestly, physically. I have to change it because everyday I waste is just one more day I’ll never get back and I don’t want to end up at 38, 58…88, still feeling like life is something that only other people experience. Life is too short to limit yourself. Whether you like it or not, you are your work…you’re there 8 hours a day, a majority of your day. You have early morning and late evening to yourself to do what you want and not what your boss wants. I just want to please myself.

I feel like I am living this life because of how someone else defines success…having money, taking vacations, buying hot stuff from Hugo Boss that I’ll only wear once or twice. I realize now that happiness for me is being held. Being creative. And being appreciative. I am taking this “good life” for granted because it’s not satisfying any needs or wants in me. If we could just figure out what it would take to redecorate our lives with the things that are important to us – core things – and do it…success and happiness will follow. We’d be skinnier. We’d be richer in more ways than having a few grand in the bank account at once.

I left my heart somewhere and I need to go find it.

Ted Baker




6 responses

24 07 2008

it’s fun to be an educator kan??

stop being nice… you are obviously superior with that position… so enjoy your POWER while you still have it… 🙂 be EVIL to your students… 🙂 winkwink

life’s to short darl… enjoy!!! enjoy buli budak2… best2!!!

25 07 2008

pheww… it’s hard to be nice.

hope u dpt handle semua. last nite i watch oprah. it’s inspired me to do my paper.

voley… kau jugak yg suruh cari something can motivated me kannn


25 07 2008

wah wah, didnt know teaching is that stressful.. hey, u know what.. one of these days, u shd just collect ur writings, rewrite and arrange it nicely.. this is a good memoir in the making..

25 07 2008

ha, dats my point, susun betul2 semua bahan ni, letak dalam satu ‘order’ dan, wa lah, sebuah memoir!

btw, sori ari tu aku terbuang ko punya yahoo msngr invitation coz i dont usually add in strangers, now that we are not..

25 07 2008

Haha.. Teaching is indeed stressful. I guess you should never be too good or too evil. That being said, the balance between two of it is hard to find. Anyway, I wish you all the best in your life and career. Don’t forget to take a good care of yourself too. Have a nice day 😀

25 07 2008

mrasa kena carut kat reader.. hehehehe.. tutop mulot

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